By Dr. Judith Thorne

There are many opinions on work life balance, especially geared towards women and mothers. As a clinical psychologist, sometimes I struggle with these recommendations and concept of work life balance. Why? The concept of work life balance can start to feel like homework or more work when mothers are already juggling a full plate. On top of the demands and pressures a woman encounters as a mom, now we are asking her to balance everything on her own? The health of the mother is one of the most important links to the well-being of their children. As I’ve said to many of my patients: “If you go down, the whole ship goes down.”

A lot of the women I see have very successful careers that become a part of their identity before having children. Because they have done so well in their life they think: “What could be harder than what I’m doing now?” The struggle arises when many women want to be the perfect mother of the 1950s, and also the high achieving career woman of the 2000s. They set high expectations for themselves and try to figure out what they must do to “have it all.” They plan the perfect home birth, plan to make baby food from scratch, plan to go back to work immediately or plan to immediately quit their job to stay at home…the list goes on. When the reality does not meet expectations, they feel guilty, ashamed, or anxious.

The truth is: there is no secret formula. We need to reframe the conversation away from achieving work/life balance and encourage women to discuss and think about things like whether or not they are getting the support they need when they have a family.

Find your tribe and a community.

In many cultures and in the past, we tended to have a tribe around us because family lived in closer proximity. These days, so many people are transient and don’t live in the same town as they grew up. As a result, many of the clients I see don’t have family or friends in the area. Having a tribe or community around you is incredibly important after having a baby and raising a child.

If you don’t have family or friends around and you do have the financial means, having paid help is a great option to help re-create your tribe. One thing I highly encourage women to do is to make sure you have the care you need after giving birth. If you have the means, a postpartum doula is really beneficial for the mother. When you’re raising your children, there are a lot of great babysitters and caretakers that can be the support you need. There are also neighborhood meetup groups that can help you meet like-minded parents.

Give yourself the room to be flexible.

A lot of women in their 30s tend to plan ahead, and it’s tough when things don’t go as they expected. A woman might start off in the relationship as the primary breadwinner but then grow unhappy with the pace and quality of her life and want to stay at home with the baby. Or, perhaps a woman wanted to be a stay at home mom, but when the baby arrives she realizes how much she misses her identity at work.

It’s important to understand that the ‘self’ can change, and that’s okay. Some women are very open and honest about themselves. For example, one woman I work with says she is not a mom that is going to coo at her baby or make her own baby food, and she owns it. I think that’s great! It’s important to give yourself room to adapt, change, and most importantly be flexible.

Take care of yourself and let go of guilt and shame.

Guilt and shame are emotions that don’t do anything to help you, but they can be incredibly difficult to let go. A lot of women I work with give 150% when they work, and when a baby arrives they can give only 100% — and yet they don’t feel good about it! It’s still 100% of their effort, but because it’s not as much as before, they feel bad.

One of the best things you can do for yourself is to take a break. I know it is difficult; I’ve had to convince a lot of women I see to take time for themselves. One way you can do it is to lean on your partner, a close friend, or a family member to help give you the time you need. As I mentioned before, if you have the financial means, paid help is also an option.

Another thing you can do is to try to identify what you need to help you feel better. Do you need more sleep? Do you need help with the basic logistics of life like running errands? Once you can clearly identify the problem, then you can start to think about potential solutions.

Going to therapy and speaking with a psychologist can be a great way to help you examine and overcome these feelings, and also help you when you are stuck on a problem. Addressing these feelings takes practice. It’s definitely not an immediate thing that many are able to do, and a therapist like me can be a partner in helping you get there.

Dr. Judith Thorne is a clinical psychologist with over 25 years of experience working with children and adults on a wide range of topics, including depression, anxiety, grief and loss, learning difficulties, and other life adjustments. Dr. Thorne is also an expert in women’s mental health, dealing with various issues such as hormonal sensitivities due to pregnancy, loss in the form of infertility and miscarriage, and menopause. She possesses an MA in Applied Behavioral Psychology, an MS in Applied Psychology, and a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology.